No longer a journey for IVF

It's been quite a while since I last posted. In fact, life has drastically changed! At my last post, we had a miscarriage through IVF and I was going to walk 100 miles before we started our next round of treatment. But that all came to a halt with one phone call. During my D & C procedure, the doctor had sent off a biopsy for testing. The pathology had returned. It wasn't great news! They had found abnormal cells! My doctor described in detail what it might all mean and the name for what they had found, but all I heard was, "You need to schedule an appointment with a gynecological oncologist." No one ever wants to hear those words. We decided I would see a doctor out of Boston and the remainder of the day was a blur. I scheduled my appointment and a week later received another call from my doctor's office, this time at 7 pm. What doctor makes calls at 7 pm? I was in a panic as I saw the number show up on my caller ID. I quietly answered the phone, not sure what to expect. It was in fact my doctor. My pathology report had been sent to a board of doctors for review and recommendations. They were recommended 3-6 months of treatment and 3 clean biopsies in a row, 3 months apart, before I could even dream about trying IVF again. We were looking at no less than a year and a half before we MIGHT be able to try IVF again. Forget walking a 100 miles, I'd be at 1,000 before then. I cried! After I cried, I became resolved. We would not wait almost 2 years to start our family. I began researching adoption with more vigor. It had always been an option for us, but we'd never researched or given deep consideration of it this soon. Before our first appointment with the oncologist we had already attended on meeting for adoption. It was a cold day in December when we headed to the oncologist. Josh came with me as this was a scary time for me. We sat and waited. My name was called and we headed back. First we met with her PA and then my doctor. They confirmed that I had abnormal cells. My doctor began to tell us the recommended treatment was a hysterectomy, but as I cried, she knew we wanted to have kids. She said I could try another option for treatment for a year and then two clean biopsies and I could try IVF. However, she wanted me to know that after we were done having kids, I would need surgery or I would end up with cancer. There was no way to stop it, my body was producing abnormal, pre-cancer cells. A week later we met with our second adoption agency. We loved them! It was clear what the next year would be, adoption process and treatment. Two years, IVF with a toddler. We completed our preliminary application and waited to hear that we had been accepted. By mid January we had completed our formal application and had our first meeting with our social worker. February I started the course of treatment (hormone replacement) and continued to work on our home study paperwork. While I was enjoying the adoption process and learning all sorts of fascinating information, my body did not take well to the form of treatment we had chosen. I met with my doctor in early March and we started a second form of treatment. Two weeks later, in tears, I realized I couldn't do it. We were adopting, it could take a year, we wouldn't want to try IVF until the baby was a year, and I wasn't sleeping. My body reacted to the medication by not sleeping. I was looking at at least a year and up to two years of no sleep, having a baby through adoption and trying to be a wife. That was no way to live. Josh and I made the hard and painful decision to have a hysterectomy. I had told my doctor's PA that we might be leaning that way and she stated I had to meet with the doctor and they would want Josh there as well. Something about them remembering how strongly I had advocated for being able to have a child at my first appointment. So we went. In early March we sat in my oncologist office and scheduled my hysterectomy. April 23rd. We knew God was in control! The week of my surgery we received the call from our social worker, our hard work had paid off. In her shortest time frame, we had completed our home study. We were approved and now waiting. Here we sit, the last day of May, and I'm still in recovery. No one prepares you for the emotional roller coaster ride after a hysterectomy but I am able to trust that God had a plan all along. We are excited for the next chapter in our lives and praying for the children God will allow us to parent through adoption!

90.5 miles

I know it seems like I haven't done many miles in the last two weeks.... well that's because I haven't. We had a huge scare. You know... cause you can still apparently have one of those after already having a confirmed miscarriage. 5 What was our scare you might ask? I'll tell ya. My HCG numbers had their huge dip and then they did a really strange rise. Not the normal doubling but just enough to get the doctors concerned. I must have heard the symptoms for an ectopic pregnancy 50 times over the course of the last two week. Last Monday they confirmed that the numbers were doing scary things and that we should consider several options. The first option was an in office biopsy but it might not really tell us anything and it might not get results soon enough but we could "try." Our second option was having an injection of medication, that frankly I was NOT taking. Our last option, and as of Monday it wasn't a sure thing either was a D and C. I went home and did my homework. I googled everything :) I know that's not really what I should do, but it's what I did. And let me tell you, it only confirmed that I was NOT getting the injection unless they could prove to me there was no other option. With the injection, we wouldn't be able to even consider trying again until at least 3 months down the road. Forget the 100 miles goal, it would become the get that nasty drug out of my body goal. The list of dangers to any future child while the drug was still in my system.... NOT an option. Wednesday I returned for another ultrasound and more blood work. And they had the injection on hand to be given. My doctor, who is amazing, came in and with a huge smile said, "It looks like there is something in the uterus, we won't have to do the injection!" Sheer joy!!! I think I may have started to cry. I really didn't want the injection and she was giving me some of the greatest news in the midst of this awful situation. However, there was still something abnormally happening. We opted to have a D and C, which was scheduled for Friday. I was to rest, relax, and as always still watch for signs of an ectopic pregnancy. Friday came and went. It was painful. It was sad. But now it is done and I again begin the process of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Sunday I got on the treadmill again. 2.5 miles done. I walked yesterday at work but it was SO slow that I didn't actually count the mile. While I'm committed to do the 100 miles and it really is a motivating goal, now with our scare and having the procedure, we don't actually control our next attempt. I could complete these miles in the next month and I wouldn't be able to start. So I will walk and I will wait.

The Beginning

What is my 100 mile journey all about? Really, it started about two weeks ago. At this this part of it, the truth is, everything really started in late April of 2013. Upon returning from an amazing trip to Paris and Rome, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. This was surprising and amazing news. We were just a few months away from our one year anniversary and now we were expecting. It was short lived bliss as I knew something was wrong. I was right! Just a few days after our joyful news, the news of a miscarriage came. I worked myself tired everyday for a week and then spent one weekend allowing myself to grieve and cry. Allowing myself isn't quit what happened, more like couldn't stop myself. The miscarriage lead to an ovarian cyst that had to be surgically removed. I had four weeks to myself to recover, mourn, and heal. Not that you can truly heal in four weeks, but it was a start. I started sharing my story and found a surprising number of woman who shared the pain of miscarriage and were amazingly supportive. Along with my husband who did everything he could to help me process and move forward. Then the fun began. I started reading how to tell if you were ovulating and how to properly time things in order to get pregnant. I even downloaded an app. on my phone in order to help us. One month, two months, finally after 6 months with nothing happening, I decided to see a doctor. Because I was happily over 35 they ran some tests and sent us off to a fertility specialist. More tests, more tests, and more tests. The day finally came this last March when we sat down with our fertility specialist. Prior to our visit we had talked as a couple. If IVF was our only option, well then we wouldn't be moving forward with our own biological kids. Why you may ask? Have you looked at the cost of IVF? We couldn't justify putting our family so far into debt that I would have to continue working and not be able to provide the home we intended for our children. With baited breath we waited as she went over our results. Our fears that chemo or radiation had negatively impacted my husband were quickly relieved. His tests came back great! She looked over with a huge smile and stated that she had been concerned when we first reviewed his medical history and she really wasn't sure what she would fine, but he was good. Deep exhale! But why wasn't I getting pregnant? She moved on to me, that's where the problems lay. Some numbers looked poor, but the biggest concern.... apparently three surgeries for ovarian cysts, including torsion and countless numbers of ovarian cysts and my tubes were blocked. Our only option..... IVF. She looked excited, and asked, "So when do you want to start?" Well as I mentioned... it wasn't an option. She looked confused and asked why? I explained. She smiled and said, "Isn't it covered by your insurance?" Holy cow!!!! I'd never imagined that was an option, but it was. We could try to have our own children and insurance would make it possible. We set up the necessary appointments and completed paperwork and read consents and did our first round of IVF in May. Two embryos were transferred but nothing happened. It was devastating. We took the next three months off. This brings us to the 100 mile journey. Two weeks ago today, I was cautiously awaiting my early morning blood work for Sunday, but I knew what it would said. Round two hadn't worked. The bleeding had started and I knew, were weren't pregnant. I got up the next morning and made the hour long drive to have my blood drawn, only to confirm what I already knew. I came home and quietly sat and thought to myself, what did I do wrong? What do I need to do to help it work the next time? Do we want there to be a next time? That's when I decided I was going to not focus on all those questions, I was going to walk, jog, or run 100 miles before I started down the road of IVF again. I hoped on the treadmill and knocked out 5 miles. I started to think about blogging my journey and as I prepared my about me and my first post, the doctor's call came. My beta Hcg test came back positive. It was a very, very low positive and in my mind it confirmed what I thought may have happened. It had implanted and the bleeding was us losing it. They wanted to repeat the blood work on Wednesday and confirm that the numbers were dropping. I put a pause on my miles and blog.... the smallest sliver of hope creeping in. But I knew, Wednesday, the numbers would be down. Wednesday morning came. I made my hour long drive in rush hour traffic and waited by my phone all day. I'm not sure how many times I checked the website to see if the numbers had been reported. They finally came in.... my numbers hadn't dropped.... they'd tripled. Dare I say it? I might actually be pregnant. Friday we tested again.... and again they had more then tripled. I was getting excited. "Cautiously excited," as the nurse had said on the phone. More tests Monday and again Thursday, each time the numbers more then doubling. We were pregnant. We told our parents and siblings. We knew they would need to know either way and would be praying for us. Only Thursday afternoon it happened, cramping, bleeding, and pain. Much more then the normal I might be pregnant stuff. I knew..... I knew it was all over. I called the doctor and they had me come in Friday. The tests were done and the exams performed. Painful and disheartening. I knew. The doctor stated the ultrasound was inconclusive and they didn't have the blood work back, it might also be inconclusive. I didn't know that was and option... but apparently it was. Hours later they called, my numbers had drastically dropped. I was right, I knew it, the baby was gone. I know God has a plan. I'm trying to trust Him. This is my journey. I have picked up my resolve from two weeks ago. I will complete 100 miles before starting my next round of IVF. I will chronicle my journey. Maybe this will be read, maybe it won't, but for me, it will help. 95.5 miles to go :)